- Opinion: Do The New Tablets Own Up To The Hype? (by Beepo the Dolphin)
- Sports: Ball Movement Making Dirk Nowitzki Nauseous
- Mytron The Fifth, Illuminati Ruler And Secret Overlord Of All Humanity, Dead At 112
- Global Warming Skeptics Growing In Numbers
- [video] Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere
- In Focus: National Organization For Women Turns 39 Again
- Slideshow: The Week In Review
- Sports: Uh-Oh, Annoying Coworker Going To Tell You Why IndyCar Racing Completely Different From NASCAR
- Out-Of-Control Group Yields Little Usable Data
- 20% Of Teens Have High Cholesterol
- If Tequila Labels Were Honest [CHART]
- The Deleted Final Scene from 'Cast Away' [COMIC]
- 7 (Thankfully) Extinct Giant Versions of Modern Animals
- The 7 Most Horrifying Things Found in the Homes of 'Hoarders'
- 5 Creepy Ways Video Games Are Trying to Get You Addicted
- A Baffling Look at the Future of Music: Tween Pop Stars
- Dali: Master of (Hiding Penises in His) Surrealist Art
- 5 People Who Changed the World From Inside of Prison
- Cracked Round-Up: Alibi Edition
- 5 Reasons The Oscars Matter Even Less Than You Thought
- Wear Your Cape - American Al Qaeda Zealot Adam Gadahn Gets Absolutely Nowhere on Match.com
- The World's Voice of Reason - Some Of The Minor Oscars You May Have Missed Sunday
- The Satirical Political Report - Liz Cheney: Samuel Adams Should Be Barred From Selling Beer
- TheSkunk.org - North Korea prepares to launch Tinker Toys, Legos
- News Grift - eHarmony Computer Just Messing with People
- Dailyfortnight - Nissan, GM Debacle Forces Acme Car Parts Into Administration
- CAP News - Woman Conan Followed On Twitter Offered Sitcom
- News Mutiny - Job Center Training Ex-Blackwater Agents in non-Rape, Murder Skills
- Glossy News - Virgin Mary Image Appears in Mex Meth Lab
- Postcards from the Pug Bus - Vatican Chorister Fingered in Gay Sex Scandal
- The Florida Senate race is getting hairy: Crist accuses Rubio of using a RNC credit card to get his back waxed [Florida]
- Window cleaner commits suicide by stabbing himself in the groin repeatedly with a jumbo souvenir pencil. "If you were choosing to take your own life, that's not the way you would do it." [Weird]
- Man Surrenders In Fatal Stabbing. Dude, that's when you should be fighting back the most [Dumbass]
- Lil' Wayne gets a year in pris...MAKE HIM PUT THE SUNGLASSES BACK ON [Followup]
- Photoshop this stack o' flapjacks [Photoshop]
- Germany criticizes Greece for being babies who refuse to fix their financial problems, while Greece says they'd have more money if the Nazis hadn't stolen their gold and all their kebab vendors [Obvious]
- Auctioneer sells souls to highest bidder, one "Mr. Mephistopheles" [Weird]
- "Milking water out of a cow made of wood with rubber teats is a favorite activity there" [Strange]
- Brooke Shields says fame is "like a drug." She must be getting desperate for a fix, though, as she's suffering post-partum depression from her career [Obvious]
- Senate preparing to donate another $66 billion to its slacker bailout fund. Get your Mountain Dew and Cheetos now before it's too late [Asinine]
